This morning I woke up before dawn and laid in bed noticing the quiet and stillness of the morning. The air felt cool and the night seemed light, especially for a new moon. When I looked out the window I discovered it was because everything was covered with a thick blanket of freshly fallen snow.
I went back to bed because I could and it felt like a good morning to be indulgent. As I lay there thinking and reflecting I realized it FELT TRULY GOOD to be me. Like I’m living my dream life. Not because everything in my world is perfect. But because I love myself and the imperfectly MINE life I’ve created.
For instance, even though I’m alone and that was never my intention, and I don’t like being cold and snow doesn’t thrill me, and I’d much rather be hanging out on a warm beach somewhere, THIS is my day! It’s the day that’s in front of me and I can strongly feel how absolutely perfectly wonderful it is! And even how beautiful it is! How absolutely beautiful and perfect my life is! And how much I love being me, even in a very cold and pristine moment with no one special to share it with!
As I reflect on how good things feel to me now. . . I am keenly aware that a main reason why is, I stopped settling.
In my past I was a settler, often settling for things I didn’t want because I didn’t believe I could have what I really wanted. Actually, it’s more accurate to say I didn’t believe in myself enough to even give myself permission to want anything special because I didn’t think I could have it.
That’s why I settled. Jobs, marriages, food, clothes, how I spent my time. . . I settled for what was in front of me and easiest, over and over and over again.
I gave my power away because I didn’t believe I was powerful. As a result my life often felt depressing and miserable, and I felt like a train wreck and epic failure. For me there was little joy to be found in settling.
But you only fail when you fail to learn the lesson, and I finally figured it out.
It was a turning point when I got (inside out) that the only one stopping me from playing full out and creating an amazing life for myself, was me.
I started dreaming (how BIG can you dream sort of dreaming) and going for it. Moving in the direction of what I wanted and not worrying about what other people thought about me (another deal from my past) and slowly but surely my life started changing.
I fell on my face a lot, sure, but I also learned from my falls and I got better at staying on my feet. Better at holding my own in a world that will readily discourage you and pull you back down if you let it.
Honestly since I started going for my dreams I’ve experienced everything from exciting and fulfilling highs to bottom of the barrel lows, and it’s all challenged and shaped me and helped me grow.
In the midst of thrills, disappointments and pain I’ve held my own.
Meaning even though I’ve fallen down and been derailed more than once, I’ve stayed true to me and (mostly) found joy in the journey. And I’ve stayed on my path. Many of my dreams have come true, some big ones are still waiting to be realized, and I’m right here on track with them all steadily moving forward. I’m not a quitter and I like that about myself. A lot.
This morning I realized why I’m so satisfied. I have a strong vision of what I want and I’ve held to that. I haven’t settled for less.
Even when it meant letting go and living in the void. I have held firm to the picture in my mind of what I want my life to be like. And I’ve believed that I can create it and have it. I’ve been willing to work for it and wait until it comes to fruition. Instead of settling and trying to fill the gap. Like I used to.
Consequently many things are the way I want them to be. They’re the beautiful fruits of what I dreamed up years ago.
And I still have more big dreams in the hopper. Many awesome things have yet to unfold and manifest. YAY!
I’m a dreamer, yes, and a perfectly imperfect work in progress and as I move forward my life is continually evolving in both expected and unexpected ways and sometimes it’s good and amazing and sometimes I’m like “hey, this isn’t supposed to happen, it’s not what I wanted…!”
Still, I keep my chin up and I roll with it all. I make the most of whatever I’ve got and I keep going.
I don’t settle.
I keep my focus on what I want.
And, I don’t settle.
I’m never going settle for less again. Not ever.
I can feel it in my soul. I’m no longer a settler in any form or fashion.
And that’s a really nice thing to deep down know about yourself.